#3041 RHOC S19E18 Part 1: Canal Retentive

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Well, hello, and welcome to Watch Our Crap Ends, a podcast about all that crap on bravo we love to talk about.

I'm Ben Mandelker, and joining me today in a dress full of all sorts of crazy cutouts as he walks along the sidewalks of Amsterdam is Mr.

Ronnie Carom.

Hi, Ronnie.

How are you?

Well, hello, Ben.

What's going on with you?

Not much.

We are here today today to talk Orange County.

Their cast trip, their big cast trip is underway.

We're going to get into all that.

But before we do, just a reminder, of course, that we have a beautiful and vibrant Patreon community that we'd love for you to join.

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Then on Mondays, Mondays, we do some sort of live thing every Monday.

Every other Monday, we do crappy hour and we alternate that with

Amazon Lives.

And I believe that this week coming up is a crappy hour week.

So join us for that.

That's going to be at 530 on the West Coast and 8.30 on the East Coast.

So that is the

full thing.

And I also am just going to blatantly shill my sub stack.

because there was sort of a fun, like a kind of a fun one this week in the sense that I, you know, I write about food and I wrote about tinned fish.

So if you don't like tinned fish, you're not going to want, you're not going to like this.

But if you're someone who likes tin fish, um, I had a little tin fish party and another then celebrated uh drag artist Kim Chi joined, as well as my friends, Chris and Lindsay, and we had a really fun time.

So, if you want to read about the cool little tin fish party that we had, go check that out.

It's called NBD Fancy, it's on Substack, NBD Fancy.

That's my blatant tin fish, my blatant

chills.

It was great: sardines, smoked trout, anchovies.

Yeah, it's a great sub stack.

Check it out.

Lots of good food in there to check out.

My aunties love it.

It's their favorite thing.

They talk about it.

Your aunts talk to you.

They're like, oh my God, how's Ben?

His sub stack's so good.

I love your ants.

Thanks.

I love your aunts, like regardless of sub stack response, but I do love that every time I see your aunts, they're like, oh, your sub stack.

I'm like, oh, my God.

They love it.

Okay, here we are with Real Housewives of Orange County, Season 19, Episode 15, going Dutch.

Dutch.

We're going to Amsterdam, people.

We're going to Amsterdam.

So we open at the Sherman Library and Gardens, which is a hilarious place to invite real housewives to, because

Jen ain't reading.

You know what I mean?

Especially the Real Housewives of Orange County.

What are they going to do?

So Shannon is on the phone.

She's walking around setting up a party.

And she's there with her assistant, Claire.

And Shannon's like um this is Shannon Bedor calling okay you have made a delivery for this luncheon and nothing that I ordered is here and I'm really upset about it I'm extra the police have been called the police have been called the lady's like oh hold on uh uh what are you talking about I ordered blush colored wine glasses and all I got was clear how am I supposed to drink out of a clear glass

Oh, well, unfortunately, all of our blush glasses have been reserved for a wedding, the Jansen wedding.

So I'm like, oh, well, that's supposed to make it any better.

I believe I put in that request for blush glasses.

And the fact that you can't even save them for me, I mean,

who's using those blush glasses right now?

Some slat bar down by the beach?

I'm sorry, we accidentally reversed your order with the Janssen wedding, so you're going to be getting everything they got.

Oh, is that why all the plates are

horseshoes?

Well, how am I supposed to have my guests eat off a horseshoe?

Well, it is a a cowboy wedding, ma'am.

Sorry, this is not a cowboy wedding.

This is a bridal shower.

It's a blushing bride bridal shower.

Look at these plates.

They're square, but pointy on one end.

I did not ask for square, but pointy plates.

This is, as I'm known to say, this isn't my fucking plate, bitch.

I'm supposed to have flowers here.

There are just bills of hay in the middle of the table.

Bills of hay.

And look, look, I looked at the back.

I did some googling and I cross-checked with Dr.

Moon.

And these plates have 30% levels of toxins in them.

And you just want me to die?

You just want me and my guests to die?

Is that what you want?

Oh, well, at least you sent me the cake.

Hold on.

Let me just make sure the cake is okay.

Okay.

The cake says,

this may not work out, but at least I'm not that horse, Shannon.

What kind of cake is this?

I'm sorry, ma'am.

You got everything for the Janssen wedding.

Sorry.

So she's furious.

And then we go to Tamara getting glam.

And she's like, I'm so confused what we're doing today.

Shannon texted us last night.

And then text from shannon and said hi there everyone uh tomorrow is a lunch in the garden celebrating that jen is getting married um she hasn't registered or anything um so it isn't an official bridal shower or if she has maybe she hasn't told me about it because i did think that we were close but maybe we're not as close as i as i thought that we were but you know that does happen from time to time i mean maybe i'm not even invited to the wedding for all i know she's already gotten married i mean it's sort of my latin life to be forgotten about and cast aside but that's okay anyway uh i'm gonna throw a knot shower for a wedding that may have already happened that i've been um disinvited from thank you everyone i just wanted you all to know that i have changed this is shannon bedor here please meet me to celebrate the wedding of a blonde slut from a beach so i'm a good person now

well this information would have been better a week ago bitch

So, yo, what really would if you you would have prepared some really sweet bridal thing for Jen if you had had some advance.

Tamara, please.

What does Tamara need any?

Why does she need this information a week ago?

Was her busy schedule of, you know, like picking out leopard skin, you know, bangles interrupted?

So we go to Gretchen's house and she's like, oh, yeah, when I was in church, I was praying for Tamara and I.

Slade's like, did you shut up, Gretchen?

You were praying for Tamara and you in church.

Just be quiet.

Do you think Jesus sits up there and just laughs at her ass?

I think so.

I do.

And by the way,

you know, Slade with his like just for men orange hair now.

I'm like, okay,

can we listen?

I can't stand Slade, but if he's going to be on our TV, can we at least, can we at least fix that hair color?

Because this is something has gone very awry over there.

Yeah, Slade's not, this might, it's not ending well for Slade.

Yeah, I was in church praying for Tamara and I was just asking Jesus, like, why couldn't Tamara try and be friends when I was, you know, running through a charity for people who had been wrongfully imprisoned, screaming, run for your life, bitch.

So then we go back to Shannon and she's still fighting.

The lady is like, I'm sorry, was it just a glass?

Oh, well, on my quote, I specifically wrote what I needed.

I needed a steak knife.

I needed a normal knife.

I needed a knife that

had my blood on it because I pulled it from my back.

Thank you very much, John Jansen and Alexis Bellino.

But now I've been served forks that are stuck into a doll with my face saying, thank God it's not Shannon.

Oh, sorry, ma'am.

Like I said, said, we got all of the things for the Jansen wedding for your, God damn it.

And the lady just keeps putting her on hold.

She's like, okay, hold on one second, please.

I'll check on that.

And Shannon's just getting more and more worked up.

So then we go to Jen.

She's getting ready.

And

I don't want to do white.

You know, I'm not going to do traditional wedding stuff.

So I'm going to wear pink.

I'm going to wear pink to my bottle shower.

Do you think that's okay?

It's okay.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much, Climb Girl.

Thank you.

Emily kept on joking, just wear black.

And I was like, that is so funny.

Like, I don't know why you are not like more popular with the audience, Emily, with jokes like that.

Like, just wear black.

I mean, that's hilarious, right?

Everyone's laughing, right?

She's so funny, that, Emily.

So Emily comes to the gardens and Shannon's like, well, I didn't really talk to you after that Western party.

Thankfully, we're redoing it here today.

Would you like an hors d'oeuvre?

They're called, I hope Shannon dies this year, Tartar.

I don't know where they came from, but.

By the way, this is a safe place today.

No one can say anything embarrassing because as far as I can tell, there's no blush around the table.

Thanks a lot, theater.

But I do have bandanas for you to wear if you'd like.

Okay.

Well, I haven't seen you since the other party.

It's like, yeah, there were words being exchanged.

Most of them were not polite.

They were not polite words.

And she goes, well, who do you mean with?

She says, well, you and Emily, right?

And so we see a flashback to Emily saying that Slade going up to fight was aggressive.

And she's like, but he was fighting because he was about slaves.

And he has a right to stand up for himself.

Yeah, from the thing that he started, as you mentioned last week.

So Gretchen's like, no, like coming up and saying hi is not aggressive.

It's like, okay, but look, I'm never going to be close friends with Tamara again, especially because I know that she's the one that's behind this entire mix up.

Like, where are my blush glasses?

But I'm not going after her.

And I just wish that you could get to that point too, because some of the girls are saying Gretchen is acting just like Tamara.

Sort of the way Alexis Bellino is acting just like me by getting married to all my exes.

Oh, hilarious.

I hope she's enjoying her blush glassware at her wedding.

That's bullshit.

I learned that word in church.

I'm nothing like her.

So she's like, well, you know,

don't be Tamara.

So the producer is saying, what's the difference between you and Tamara?

And she's like, can I go back and look at my list to remind me?

Because I made a list.

Points and how I'm not like Tamara.

So she reads from the notes on her phone.

Yeah, and I just want to point out that this list that she's made on her notes app is actually a checklist.

It has the little circles that you can check off.

So I like the idea that she has this list, but at a certain point, she might actually be like, check, check.

I do do that.

I like that.

So she doesn't have a child calling her a manipulator and a liar.

Yet.

Which will give it time.

Yeah, exactly.

Your child hasn't hit the age where she's about to start calling you a manipulator and a liar yet.

Give her the language and she'll use it.

That's what I say.

Yeah, exactly.

I haven't been sued and lost because of my lies and then I'm all sued again for another lie.

Parentheses, Jimbolino and Ryan.

I like that she has to add a parenthetical to remind herself of what her bullet point is.

I didn't reach out to Tamara's ex and try and get dirt on her.

Michelle Slade's ex.

I'm not profiting from people's pain.

Okay, her podcast.

You are profiting from people's pain.

You're on a real housewife show.

Yeah.

She's not harming or constantly hurting her friends.

Debatable.

I'm not disclosing.

Yeah, exactly.

We're just kidding, paycheck these days.

I'm not disclosing personal information my friends asked me to not talk about, like she did to Shannon about her dad.

What was that thing about Tamara having sex with a boy bander?

Oh, wait, I forget.

It's something that Gretchen said, I believe.

Anyway, going on, moving on.

I don't have several exes coming forward publicly to say I'm a liar and a cheater.

They're dead.

That's not fair.

You, weren't you like literally sued about this?

Yeah, that's true, actually.

You are being sued, but you were sued by somebody who called you a fucking liar and a cheater.

And the guy that you were lying and cheating on before that passed away.

So she doesn't call or DM bloggers and try to get them to post horrible things about my castmates.

You have Slade and Slade does yeah you

are you crazy gretchen i actually feel

i actually feel bad when i mess up she doesn't she has zero remorse and repeat and repeats her patterns and this is the and this is the short list by the way you having a list at all means that you are exactly like tamara by the way yeah to break it to you the list itself the lists the list is the verification

So Shannon just hopes they can keep it light today, okay?

Because today is about Jen and there's nothing lighter than Jen.

okay can we we just keep it can we just keep it light um as as light as the light coming through these clear glasses

by the way would you like a sugar cube for your champagne they've been laid out on the table what the hell is going on at that wedding

um so heather shows up and she's like oh hi hi heather i i apologize for we're we're we're in the grass here i guess they saw all this horse-like decoral decorum put us out in the pasture thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.

Hold on.

I'm just aerating

the grass with my heels.

Hilarious.

I'm about to stress bad as she should.

Yeah, yeah.

And Heather's like, you can borrow my dress if you want to.

It's so nice to say that to somebody that's not Gina.

Hey, did you, hey, Tamara, did you say hi to Gretchen?

Horace, I like to call her Gretchen's.

She's like, no, the door is closed.

I'm saying hi to people.

So she walks by Gretchen and hugs Shannon instead.

And it's like, oh, I guess she's not saying hi.

That's so funny.

Gretchen's like, well, I'm not surprised at all.

I don't expect her to.

Oh, yeah.

Well, have fun.

This is really pretty.

This is a pretty...

Pretty little picnic that you set up, Shannon.

Although the clear glasses are a little tacky, I think.

Well, it wasn't my intention to have clear glasses.

I wanted to have blushed glasses here, Tamara.

Thanks a lot for bringing that up.

Wait a minute.

Why is all the food in in tin cups god damn it Tamara

wait a minute are we eating chili cone carnay out of cups

that is wait a second why why is there a hexagonal uh thing in the middle of this table well they they sent over the mcb dynasty wedding archin i i don't even understand how they did that but

real mix up here

Oh my god, look, my name is on the card, on the table.

Did I get a card?

That's where you have to sit, Gina.

It's a name cart it's a it's a place setting for fuck's sake gina just sit down

gina's so impressed with like the slightest hint of luxury like a bespoke name tag my name's angle

my god by the way i want to say since i did invoke it and i'm embarrassed that i invoked it um thank you to all the truly the messages of sympathy um that are out there to me because it's been announced that mcb dynasty is filming for its third season and so yes i have seen it And I'm already mentally preparing.

And I'm not even going to try to have a good attitude about it.

Normally, this is when I say, you know what, I'm going to try to be into it.

No, I'm not.

I am deeply frustrated and annoyed by it.

Wait.

See you soon, Jesse McBee.

You handsome little devil.

Can't wait for you to get your little butt to reappear on my.

Just give me Tessa.

Just give me Tessa and I'll be okay.

Oh my God.

Give me Galena.

Give me Jesse.

Give me the messy brother Cole, tiny mouth Cole.

Give me all of them.

The hot one who's so stressed out all the time.

I'm into it.

Just improve your.

You know what?

Fine.

Give us the show.

Just fire everyone on production and put like a proper Bravo production team behind it and make it a Bravo show, please.

And then I'll be okay.

But like, as it is now, like, I don't need to see this like fake Andy bullshit.

Sorry.

Wow.

You know, McBee catching strays.

Jeez.

Well, guess what?

I caught full-on non-strays.

I caught full-on aimed at me and my brain bullets from McBee 90.

So they're going to catch some strays and I'll be okay.

I hope we meet them and Jesse can just give me the kiss he's always wanted.

Probably will.

And I'll be like, oh my God, Jesse McBee was like so nice.

And oh my God, Stephen McBee Jr.

Like actually, he was like so cool.

And he's like really friendly.

It's actually a lot smarter than I ever thought.

Like, I actually really like these guys.

Guys, let's like watch season three.

Let's watch part of season one.

You know, that's because that's how I operate, unfortunately.

So I'm a pushover.

Go on.

So Jim is thanking them for the bridal party or whatever.

She's like, this is the nicest thing I'm going to do.

I mean, I'm not going to do anything nice for my wedding.

This is like the nicest thing I'm going to have because as a divorced person, I just feel like, you know, like I have a scarlet letter feeling because I'm divorced.

And the way I was raised is you get married one time and that's the rest of your life.

And my parents so proudly put so much effort in my wedding.

And I don't know, that fell apart.

So with Ryan, I don't want to do anything like that, which is why I'm marrying a non-traditional person, a person who

spray paints things on his shorts.

Oh, well,

this isn't a bridal shower because we're celebrating the fact that a year later you're still engaged and it's coming up.

I mean, this is a bridal shower for me to prove that I've been a good friend to you for when you inevitably backstab me just the way that Alexis Bellino did.

Why is there a tiny little trampoline in the middle of our table?

I did not order that during the wedding.

Damn it, that's what she's supposed to be giving her vows on.

Someone gets us over to the Bolino wedding immediately.

Well, Jen's getting married someday, and who knows who's going to throw the luncheon next year if Jill's still getting, if Jen's still getting married.

I don't know which one of you, you vindictive bitches, would ever do anything as kind as what I am doing.

Shannon Bedour, everybody's friend.

So I thought I would go.

I mean, Hada DeBro's not going to.

She doesn't throw parties

for the help.

So I don't see her throwing any sort of luncheon for Jen.

I don't think she even knows who Jen is.

Who is Jen?

Why do we keep mentioning this Jen person?

Is she a cast member?

See, exactly.

I definitely think that Jen and Ryan are going to get married because, like, he compliments her a lot.

Who doesn't like that?

You know, I mean, he does oversexualize her a lot, and I really wish he would stop doing that.

By the way, if we talked about Travis's balls lately, we shouldn't talk about Travis's balls.

Seriously.

Clink, clink, clink.

Wait, Shannon, wait, sorry, that was that was me doing an impersonation of Shannon's

toast.

Thank you very much for over-clinking my clink.

My clink goes like this.

Clink, clink, clink.

Very demure.

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All right, Shana wants to say something.

Okay, well, yes, I thought everyone could go around the table and give Jen their most sound wedding advice.

And

as we all know, we are a a table of women who have had very stable and positive relationships that have not ended in disaster or tabloid headlines.

So let's go around the horn and tell everyone about

successes they've had.

Just feel free to raise your non-blush glass and

share.

Gina's like, but we're all divorced except for Heather.

She goes, well, maybe we'll finish with Heather's advice.

Okay, you did good your second try.

So Tamara's like, well, your second wedding, lucky marriage, y'all didn't know what not to do, you know?

Cause Simon and I used to find that crazy and say mean things to each other.

And, you know, Eddie, we don't get mad.

We don't get, we don't go to bed angry.

Eddie goes to bed bed in big bear.

Yeah,

Eddie, we're like, well, we won't get mad.

We don't say mean things to each other.

So the way we don't say mean things to each other is we just sort of don't talk.

He doesn't talk really.

So it's kind of, it's like great.

Yeah, Batch.

Sounds like, oh, well, I will say, as someone who has a very successful track record in relationships,

I will say communication is the key to success.

For instance,

If there is a hurricane barreling down on your house that is very far inland and one might not expect there to be a hurricane heading that way, you should communicate.

There's a hurricane coming.

And then your very caring partner who may want you to eat better in life with vegetables can say, oh, I didn't realize that.

But if you don't communicate, then that won't be understood.

And then you'll wind up fighting.

So what I'm trying to say is check the national weather forecast.

Thank you.

Okay.

Well, Emily, I don't know what your first husband was like.

So what was that like?

She's like, oh, he was a good guy, but like Shane is my person.

You know, Shane, I could put in my purse with my turkey sandwiches.

And I think that's really important.

So, you know, everybody has a person.

So if you haven't found yours, maybe sit on G chat for a while and wait for some dude who's bored at work to just say, I'm bored, want to get married?

Yeah.

I mean, until you've understood what it's like to have the joy of trying to solve a troll's riddle to pass a bridge, Then you'll understand what it's like to be with Shane.

He's just my person.

That's great advice.

What about you, Cretchers?

What's your advice?

I would definitely say that like when everybody's saying best friends, like that's important.

And faith is a really big, important part of our relationship.

So it's really important to be

really Christian at certain points of your life when it works for you.

Yeah, basically, I would suggest that, you know,

multiple marriage is really not good, but it is kind of okay.

I believe in polygamy.

Three people should be in the marriage: you, your husband, and Jesus.

Tamara's like, oh, for fuck's sake.

She's rolling her eyes.

Heather's like, okay, well, here's what I say.

People are going to judge your relationship.

They're going to judge it.

They're going to say mean things about you.

He is cheating.

He never loved her.

He's off sleeping with the people that work in his office on bots.

Fuck them.

You're richer than them.

Thank you.

Thank you.

that was growling's quality growling's quality

listen here's how to make a marriage work first

marry someone incredibly wealthy second

be very scary and make them feel like if you if they ever leave you're going to text them things about adjudication for the rest of their life third Make sure you invite poor people over to their home and then invite your other rich friends over and you can laugh at the poor people.

Flashback to Dr.

Jen.

Anyone?

No?

Okay, that's fine.

Most importantly, he's gonna want onion rings at a very nice party one day.

Tell him no.

Keep him in his place.

Am I right, ladies?

Hey, do you fart in front of Terry?

I don't fart.

Instead, what I do is I hold up a picture of Wendy Malik and then I let one loose and I say, she did it.

Did you fart in front of John Jansen, Shannon?

She's like, no, but he was in his sleep all the time.

He would wake me up.

Oh my God, the thunder from down under.

Like, let's not compare John Jansen to anyone who is on the thunder from down under.

It's just, I know what you're trying to say there, Gina, but let's just not even go there.

It's so nice that we can all sit together and have a good time, right?

Just us

and this taco from my purse.

Girls, we should go on a vacation together, Okay, that's what girls do.

It's like, wow, smooth, smooth transition to your fake vacation planning.

And Jen's like, we should go somewhere warm.

Like, Bora, Bora?

Yeah, like the Maldives or Bora, Bora.

And everyone's like, oh, yeah, that's like your sleep batch.

And Shana's like, well, I would love to go somewhere potentially in Europe so I can go see Stella afterwards.

Like, Shana, you used that card last year.

You can't do the, I, you can't like use the show to subsidize your travel to see Stella for two years in a row.

I mean, you can.

That's probably a smart thing to do, but like, you can't do that.

But they're, because, you know, they're all like, well, we wanted to go somewhere tropical this year.

We went to Europe last year.

Like, no, we're going to go to Europe again.

So they're going to go to Amsterdam.

Amsterdam, Amsterdam.

Yeah, they choose Amsterdam.

And Heather's like, you know, my parents lived there for 15 years.

And they're like, oh, really?

They've been there a million times.

It's a beautiful city.

They have all the gorgeous canals and pots legal and you know i'm a real hip lady who's into pot now i do the pot

did you know that when you're wealthy in amsterdam and you fire a servant you just push them in the canal it's great

everyone watches and everyone knows to act better in the household so now we go over to heather's uh penthouse with terry And she's offering him a Diet Coke.

And he's like, yeah, Nikki says I drink too much soda.

I shouldn't have that.

You want water?

That's boring.

Was that for me or you?

Because I am the funny one in this.

That was my joke because

I offered you a soda and I said, well, do you want water instead?

Because it was obviously boring.

And it was a very funny joke, was it not?

Thank you, Alfredo.

Thank you.

What's the sparkling thing called?

Law of the sparkling thing.

That's called La Croix.

La Croix.

No, it's not.

It's called LaCroix.

LaCroix came out with a very specific announcement that is prepared.

It's called LaCroix.

I don't know why, because it should be called LaCroix.

Yeah, it's popular.

It's with Madison from Southern Charm, just so you know.

Anyway,

Madison LaCroix.

She's LaCroix, and the drink is LaCroix.

LaCroix.

I spoke to Josh Flagg, television's Josh Flagg.

Oh, you did?

Yes.

So we had a great conversation.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That's flashback music okay

hey josh god that sparkling scene of josh doesn't it make you want to cancel that show all over again am i right ladies

hey america does everyone want to see me talking with josh flagged here we go hey josh joshua just wanted an update on the house what are you thinking he's like well It's just going to take one person and it's what it is.

It's not overpriced.

So you think a few months it'll take to sell?

Do you think Drake might sell it?

Drake always is always looking over at it sort of pining but maybe that's just me he's staring at i don't know i have this kind of appeal

yeah so they decide that they'd rather be um going to paris on private jets and spending money on another money pit uh so now they're talking about amsterdam and she talks about um her dad her dad worked for an international company and they were based in amsterdam so um her parents moved there in college and so she visited all the time it's fascinating and she goes you know what's funny?

So my mom called me the other day.

Oh, Alfredo.

God damn it.

That was the punchline.

That's all I had to say.

Thank you, Alfredo.

It was a little late, but it was

a good, you're lucky we're not in Amsterdam because you would be in that water right now.

So she's talking to her mom and she's like, oh, thanks, mom.

I got this.

And she holds up a white gift bag.

It's like a crinkly bag.

And she goes, this is dad.

Could you find something even less bougie to put him in?

My God.

My mom is so controlling.

God forbid I talk about him in a way that she doesn't deem appropriate, but that's just the way it is.

And we see a flashback to years ago and when her, both her parents were like 2013, they came on the show.

So in all these years, she's never dumped his ashes anywhere.

Alfredo, no, wrong time, wrong timing.

I figured his happy places were New York, Puerto Vallarta, and Amsterdam.

Okay, well, why don't you dump him in the Herrengracht, right in the right in front of his house?

That's what I thought I would do.

Did you listen to me, Terry?

You'd see I was getting there.

You know, dad always said his happy place was wherever his kids weren't.

So

I don't know if it's going to ruin it if I'm actually there in Amsterdam dumping them.

Doesn't that kind of destroy the point?

You know, my joke about my dad is that our relationship now is exactly the same

i said

my joke about my dad is that our relationship is not now exactly

alfredo thank you alfredo's over there crying in the corner it's like please stop crying you're on duty

He was a very typical corporate dad, gone before we got home, after we,

and, you know, home after we had dinner.

And there wasn't really a lot of real communication.

I think that's.

I remember the first play I ever did.

My dad, I waited for his review.

He came in late to the show, left before intermission.

And when I got home, he said, Heather, please don't ever do that again.

I remember when I was in the 1993 horse grillie production of Into the Woods, and my dad said, that's exactly where I'm heading after this show because that was so awful.

He Said he went to Amsterdam.

I think that's what's hard for me.

That's why I'm such a sensitive, emotional person.

You might see right now the sensitivity and emotions just coming off of me in waves.

Alfredo, come over here and wave some emotion off of me.

Come on.

Thank you.

No.

Wrong emotion.

You're supposed to cry.

Okay, Alfredo, could you please bring those bulls that are headed for Nobu?

Just put them under my face and capture the tears.

Oh, the emotions falling all over the place.

Well, you know, they say sometimes you marry your father.

Am I unemotional?

She's like, mmm, well, you've seen me cry a few times at the American Express, Bill.

Put him.

Damn it, Alfredo.

Terry.

He doesn't do it, Terry.

You need to be, you need to have groundlings experience before Alfredo plays the drum for you.

I'm sorry, Terry.

So we go to a wine bar with Gina and Triana.

I like that Gina.

Some of these scenes, when they go to the restaurants, they're just fake.

They're obviously a couple people from production sitting at a table so they can get a quiet atmosphere.

But it's Gina.

So they're like, no, just put her in the middle of a loud bar.

Let's not bother with that.

It's just fucking Gina.

We're probably not going to use this footage anyway.

Yeah.

So.

It's a really stimulating scene because they're going to talk about their families.

Well, I have to keep up with you because you're like a very handsome cowboy babe like everybody was like talking about actually he's like oh boy yeah you know like what everyone said though they were like they thought it was so cool to see you have like so much fun for the first time in like six years on this tv show he's like i did have fun Yeah, like that right there.

Like just like people now finally get to see like what a big personality you have because like you really need like a night out.

Like it's been like a lot.

Like we've been under like a lot of stress this year.

And I'm like really thankful and like happy and like everything seems to be working out.

Everyone's back home and everything's like good again.

Like I feel opposite of bad.

Yeah, like all the ladies at that party were so into you.

They found you so sexy.

Do you remember that lady came up to you?

What was she saying to you?

She asked me if I wanted a weenie.

Oh, you see?

They like love y'all.

Yeah, so like it's so good.

We have our kids back.

We're like so happy now.

You're such a good father.

Oh my God.

Are you crying?

I'm crying.

I'm not crying.

You're crying.

You're crying.

I'm crying.

Hey, do you think if I send this back, even though I've eaten most of it, they'll give it to us for free?

That's basically the whole scene right there.

You cry, Tev is crying.

He's like, Can you talk about my balls?

All right, so now it is packing scenes.

Everybody's packing to go to Amsterdam.

Jen's going to take sexy stuff because they might go to a live sex show, guys.

Crazy.

And are the ladies going to get along?

She's like, I don't know.

Let's talk about the wedding stuff.

You know, I mean, we don't have a date yet, but I wasn't pushing for a bridal shower, but it was so nice and he's like yeah well we had a date and then dawson decided to join the military so we had to push it back two months so we can get his break during basic training which is totally a normal thing to happen during basic training they love giving vacation days in the army

right

so um

then jen's just saying like i don't know like how shannon through this like bridal shower i wasn't pushing for a bridal shower it's like well you know like really the he's like the thing is that like probably shannon did it for bonus points and jen is saying like you know ryan and i we communicate through everything and he knows my reservations about being married again you know and how I'm really not comfortable with having paint splattered on a wedding dress just isn't really a look that I'm going for and like I don't know I just kind of feel like if we get married does it does it all go to hell because we're like we're so good and if I do that like is that gonna be the thing that breaks us it's just like a weird thing that I that I have it's almost like the sneaking suspicion that he's just being performatively good until we get a bravo wedding and then after that he's just back to cheating i don't know why i think that

so they say that things have been good with the ex lately because she's been stroking his ego so that's been a lot easier and um she's worried that the stress from the ex is going to break them up and um you know stuff we've already heard a million times so who cares so then he's like everything's going to be great so but take take some sex pictures for me honey maybe you could wear a maybe you could wear a uh a big coat that you could open up and then you'll be naked underneath

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So now we go to the Rancho Capistrano winery and Tamara and Eddie sit down.

This is like a back-to-back-to-back sequence of uncharismatic husbands.

Although actually, Ryan has some charisma, but oh my goodness.

After we got through Travis, now we're here with Eddie.

I mean, at least we didn't get a Shane scene.

So they're sitting down.

The trifecta.

Yeah, that's the true trifecta.

Guess what, Batch?

I met with Gina the other day.

Like the sentence that no one wants to ever hear at the start of a conversation.

It's like, oh, God.

Yeah.

He starts to look like a Jack Nicholson impression, isn't he?

He's like,

yeah.

Yeah, I'm here.

Here we are.

About to order some food and lunch.

So she's like, yeah, you know,

basically, yeah, she's saying she met with Gina and they were talking about Gretchen.

And Eddie's like, I don't think you need to have that woman in your life, babe.

I just don't think you need her.

She's like, yeah, I don't want her in my life.

I think she's toxic.

I think she needs help.

And I just really don't want her in there.

I hate that lady, fucking sleepy, toxic bitch.

It's like, no, I was talking about the waitress.

I don't really like her service.

Yeah, her too, bitch.

Um, this is, by the way, Eddie's role every season is to sit down with Tamara and say, Yeah, that lady sucks.

She don't have her in her life, man.

So, Tamara is like, so by the way, Batch, I had a talk with Sophia and I let her know that we are fully aware her new boyfriend spent the night, Batch.

And we have a flashback to Tamara being like oh you have a sex with a boyfriend finger in the hole finger in hole she's like you're a freak mom

so then uh tamara's like yeah but i'm concerned that she's got a boyfriend going to la is going to be a big fat now because she doesn't want to go the way to college like she can have a boyfriend in orange county and still go to college in la it's not like she's you know moving to

she's not doing a study abroad in johannesburg okay she's not going to juilliard for christ's sake

definitely not so tamara is like, yeah, you never know at 19 if a relationship's going to last.

You can't take this pivotal moment of your life where you're going to go in a cottage and go, I can't go because I have a boyfriend now.

No, that's not going to work in this household.

So she goes, wait, what does that mean for us in Eddie?

And he's like, well, I know we talked about moving out of state, but I don't know how you feel about that.

Yeah, but sometimes I feel like we make plans.

Like, it's our plans for death.

Like, we're going to go somewhere and just shrivel up and die.

That's what we're making plans for.

Why don't we got to plan shrivel up and die, Eddie?

Come on.

Where does Eddie want to move to?

He wants to move out of state.

Like, where do you think that he's moving?

He's one of those people who wants to be like a Yellowstone person.

You know,

we can get a ranch and pretend we're cowboys and buy a big, gigantic truck that makes no sense and live somewhere like, you know, like in the Idaho ranch.

Yeah.

Or maybe he's going to like try to join Mickey Dynasty.

He's sort of been, sort of been dressing like that, a lot of like American flags and motorcycle things and whatnot.

So, yeah, he's really into that, like the black American flag or whatever.

What does that mean anyway?

The black American flag.

I think it's

uh, you know what?

I will look it up.

I have an idea what it means for her.

I'll look it up.

It is,

but um, yeah, he's, he's, he's got the imagery for sure.

So, she's like, yeah, but I don't want this plan to die.

And he goes, well, God knows how long we're going to live.

My grandma's 99 years old, so I might live a long time unless I get hit by a bus.

Don't think I won't throw you under one, bitch.

I have kids because you annoy me when you eat.

Stop chewing and stop whistling around me.

Stop whistling while you chew.

If Eddie thinks he's going to drag Tamara away from her TV show by making them relocate to Wyoming or like Idaho or Montana, he's got another thing coming.

That bus is going to come real quickly, Eddie.

Well, they already got the Big Bear thing when she was fired the first time they moved over to Big Bear or whatever.

Or did she do that after she was she did they did that during the time that she was fired right

when

yeah during the time she was yeah exactly uh i want maybe he thinks that big bear is out of state that'd be kind of funny yeah let's go during state like big bear

big bear country so people are still packing by the way emily's now packing and she's talking to shane you've been to amstradana haven't you a long time ago did you go to the red light district i think you would know the answer to that.

I actually really don't.

I can't really get a gauge on this one.

I did go there and I took Bibles and I tried to turn people over, but it didn't really work out so well.

You're crazy, Shane.

But there was some more stuff in here in this hammer thing I wanted to talk about.

So he's like, hey, you don't like my eating noises?

Put some earplugs in.

You know, it's not a good way to react.

And she goes, I'm not an asshole.

You're an asshole.

And he's like, do you think we have a problem?

She goes, I think our problem is we don't communicate and then it explodes.

And I always say we've got one good fight every six months.

That's what I say.

He goes, Yeah, but it's how you talk to me, you know.

And usually it's when you're drunk, and that's what makes you come at me.

She goes, Oh, really?

Do you think I have a drinking problem then?

And he's like, Yeah, for our relationship, you should never drink.

You should be able to come to me and talk about what's hurting you.

And she goes, Yeah, that's never gonna happen.

Yeah, like wow, so therapy is really helping, huh?

I know, Tamara, who has just like been

like sort of

championing the values of open communication and like talking.

And she literally just telling him right now, like, we don't talk.

That's the problem.

And he's like, well, you should talk to me about some of these things.

Yeah, I'm not going to talk to you.

No.

Absolutely not.

And also, Tamara, who's been projecting alcoholism on somebody for two years, even though the projection doesn't need much help.

It's kind of true.

But she's been projecting that anger on somebody else.

And he's like, you have a fucking problem with alcohol.

and our marriage is going down the tubes because you get drunk and abuse me emotionally

damn

well in the spirit of open communication that's not something i want to talk to you about um so then

she she says something she's like god you live your life as an only child

and he goes oh there it is

that evil witch laugh

you married it sir

Who knew that this would be the most entertaining marriage on this show?

I know.

It's like once a season, there's like a moment where we see like the crazy cracks in it.

So then we go after the Emily scene, we go to Shannon and

she's leaving a voicemail for Stella.

Hello, Stella.

It's your mother.

You may remember me.

I'm the woman who gave birth to you, who I think you may have lost my phone number.

Anyway, first of all, have you ever seen such a terrible thing as non-blush glasses at a luncheon at a garden library?

Me neither, but that's what I had to endure.

So anyway, we're going to go to Amsterdam so that way I can go visit you afterwards, which is another great testament to my

mothering is that I come and I visit you.

I don't know if it seems to go the other way around.

I don't know if I get a visit either through the phone or just in person, but that's okay.

I will visit you.

I will spend thousands of dollars.

I will uproot an entire cast trip to go visit you.

That's just the sacrifices I make.

Anyway,

so I wanted to know some of your favorite places to go in Amsterdam.

If you don't mind, can we not include all of the

drug addict places that you seem to enjoy going to these days late at night?

I don't have any interest in that and you shouldn't either, but that's okay.

I will let you make your own choices.

You are an adult.

So any insight you have would be wonderful.

Call me back.

So Gina's like, oh my God, look how cute this blazer is.

Doesn't it say like I'm in Amsterdam?

He's like, oh, what are you guys going to do in Amsterdam?

I don't know.

We're going to get stolen to shit, probably.

So then the ladies arrive at the airport, and Shannon has hurt her toe and needs a band-aid because she's bleeding.

Heather's like, oh my God, let me see if I have a blister blocker.

Come here.

What a mess.

She is a mess.

The good news is we're going to get through TSA so much faster because Shannon already has one shoe off.

Because

Shannon already has one shoe off.

Hold on, let me unzip my suitcase.

Because Shannon already has one shoe off.

Thank you.

All right, zip it back up.

I forgot he was, he was in the, he was in the, in the, in the checked luggage there.

Sorry about that.

So they get on the plane and it's a jet blue ad.

And it's like, oh my God, look, everyone has their own pods.

If everyone has a pod, is it even special?

Can I get a special pod?

I ordered a better pod.

Wow, look how cool this is.

You can put your phone down and it charges.

I've never seen this on an airplane.

Okay, that's a wrap.

Now, can I go on to my own private plane, please?

Thank you so much.

She just puts her hand on the charger, just waits.

It's invigorating.

She puts her phone down on Shannon's head.

Is this the charger?

That is my head.

Oh, I wasn't sure how it works on a commercial plane.

So the flight attendant comes up.

She's like, Welcome, lady.

It's Need Nee Thing.

And Emily's like, Do you have a volume?

By the way, I which is I was like, shut up, Emily.

But also, um, Gretchen, who may have never even flown, let alone business class, just ever.

Oh, my God.

They have earphones.

Wait a second.

There's a little tray that you could put your belongings on.

Oh my gosh, Shannon, I'm so sorry.

They don't have Love Hotel on the TV.

She goes, Oh, yes.

Yes, they do.

You have to log in.

It's here.

I love that Shannon's going to watch Love Hotel all the way to Amsterdam.

She's going to watch herself unraveling.

Shannon, that's not the Love Hotel.

That's the weather channel.

Well, that was kind of my Love Hotel experience.

So if you want to join my journey, come watch a hurricane with me.

So boom, they landed 13 hours later.

They're home.

I mean, they're home in Amsterdam.

So she's like, oh my god.

Like, this is like nothing compared to like the words.

Like, my last name, it's like my last name.

Oh, my God.

This is crazy.

I can't even say these words.

I don't know how to do it.

Oh, this is the shopping street.

This is the place where you shop.

This is P Street, Hoof Straat.

This is a great street.

I know where I am in retail.

Always, always.

Oh, my gosh.

This is so fun.

Of course, we're going to shop.

Of course, there'll be some champagne and caviar for me.

I'm so relatable to this season.

Oh, you guys.

So we are in the city of Canals,

Root Canal specifically.

So I was wondering if we could find a dentist because my toe injury went up to my tooth.

So it's I'm in pain.

I don't know if any of you remember, but I grew up on boats.

I started boats.

And I have arranged for us to tour some Amsterdam canals.

Oh,

hey, everyone, this is the end of part one of this recap for part two.

Keep an eye on your podcast feed.

It is coming up in just a moment.

Thanks so much for listening.

Catch you on the second half.

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