#3102 Southern Charm S11E03 Part 2: Lost Boy Lit

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Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens. This is part two of a two-part recap.
If you're like, hey, wait a minute, I didn't hear part one, guys. It's because we put out a lot of recaps.

Go back and listen to part one. Okay, it's before this one.

Bye. Enjoy the show.

So now we go to Witner, FaceTiming with Shep, and Witner's like, Hey, having a birthday party Saturday. The theme is literary figures.
So that can be an author or a character.

It's basically just a reason to see what stupid shit Craig and Sally come up with because you know they don't read.

Yeah, Shep loves this. He's like, I'm going to dress up like 100 years of solitude.
Gosh.

He's going to show up with like a white bang and be like, guys, I'm Susan Sontag.

Just like his head is going to be in a fishbowl. He's like, guys, it's the bell jar.

It's going to be all fun. Oh, Charlie's there.
I think she's very attractive. I would totally be open to going out with her.
Oh, wow. You would?

Would you lower yourself into going out with a 24-year-old supermodel beauty queen with a perfect body and face, Shep? Really? And Rodrigo's like,

well,

Austin and Craig went to see Charlie. Or sorry, Austin told me that Craig went to see Charlie at the art gallery she works at.
So

yeah.

And so Shep is like, okay, gosh. I mean, well, I was in the hot tub with Craig and Sally a week and a half ago, but whatever.
If Craig likes her, you know, gangs away.

First of all, I'm not going to jockey for position or anything like that, but hashtag Megalodon's necklace coming in. Woo! I'm too old for that shit.
Maybe I'm too old for her. But what do I know?

I'm just a regular William Faulkner if I, if I, if I may. Oh, Garsh.

Maybe I'm too old for her, frankly, because she's 27.

Which, you know, now Leonard DiCaprio has broken his 25-year-old lady rule and he is dating a 27-year-old. Wow.
So, you know, they're all doing it now. They're all doing it.

So he's like, Yeah, I got a lot of shit last year when people were like, Well, of course, I either did this or that. She's 26.

But then again, I am maturing at a glacial pace.

Garsh. I'm just a boy.

I'm maturing more slowly than it took to resolve resolve the Vietnam War. The details, which are available in the Kenberg's documentary calls, the Vietnam War.
Gosh.

So he says that Craig is just an interesting cat, and he stopped trying to figure out Craig a long time ago.

And he's just suggesting that Austin do the same because they're trying to reset where, you know, they have to every season where they're like, we love each other now.

And then two episodes later, they're like, I hate him.

So Rodrigo's like, yeah, well, I think that Austin might have a FOMO. He's like, oh, poor Austin.
He can't make a decision for Christ sometimes, can he?

Rodrigo's like, no, man, that's kind of his problem. He's like, I mean, you know, what did he say? It's, it's a winner.
Remember, we were at Folly and we just gone surfing?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah. Shep, could you stop doing the flashback music? We'll let post-production do it for us.
Okay, Garza. Sorry about that.

So the dad calls, and

he's like, hey, I was thinking I could pull right up to the storage unit and start looking at furniture for my new house. And the dad's like, whatever you want to do, we're ready for you, garsh.

So they, so Shep is like, look, the grass is always greener, and I get that. Just human nature.
As

Isaac Asimov once wrote,

The tree that grows next to the robot is stronger than the robot that's built next to the tree. Did he say that?

Not sure.

But no one else has read in this group, so I'm going to stick with it. No one could found this.
So I recently.

Yeah, exactly. I recently bought this new house because I just wanted a house on Sullivan's Island, which is one of my favorite places in the world.
It's bigger. It's like historical.

Four bedrooms, four baths. I don't even know what to put in it.
And we see clips of this new house, and it's huge.

It's 5,000 000 square feet four bedroom four bath like he said and it's 3.25 million dollars

yeah it's a big it's a big one he's like my dad i think is kind of excited to get a little bit of his stuff out so they pull up to uh to the family barn and his dad rip

waits by uh the fence and he's like hi there he's like my parents were a big factor in me

buying this house because my brother bought a big house with his two kids and a wife and my sister the same thing.

So for them, and in the normal trajectory of a guy's life, I'm 10 years behind, maybe 15. Kersh.

Yeah, the dad's like, I just want to make sure you get some wooden Venetian blinds. Those add value to a house.
Do you remember that?

I will never forget that when the dad was like, you need to have wooden blinds, Shepard. You need to have them.
They're very important for resale.

And there were like those huge, clicky, clacky, you know, blinds are huge that go over the windows. And that was all the dad cared about.
He's like, you need to get those blinds, Ship.

It's very important.

All right, dad, we'll take it over.

It's been years and that stuck with me. So

Ship's like, whoa, Rodrigo, get excited. Biggest swab meeting South Carolina right here, right?

So they go into the storage unit and it's just all, you know, God knows where half of this furniture came from, like plantations over all over the south. I mean, I don't know.
It's like a lot of

old shit. Yeah, very antique stuff.
It's all like probably like great antique. Like, if you're antiquing, it's probably all great stuff.

But the funny thing is, it's like, is this really going to be, is this Shep's style?

I mean, I don't know what Shep's style is, but I feel like it's not necessarily his style, but he's just happy to have items in his house.

Yeah, he's just going to throw shit in there. Yeah.
It'll be like banana peels. He just wants like a sectional from Ikea and a surfboard.
That's all this guy ever has in his house.

So he's just like, dad, put whatever you want to in there. So they do.
They start going through it. And the dad's like, well, that's that's nice.
Those are Ralph Lauren. Garch.
Get those.

And then there's like, of course, a big shellaced fish that somebody got.

And then the best part is where we see a pic, we see two paintings, actually, of Shep as a teenager with his golf club over his shoulder, just posing like Garsh.

And they're two side by side, and they're exactly the same, but they're two years, you know,

they're separate times. But I just love that it's like, it's, it's time, Shep.
We got to get out there and get your yearly picture with your golf club over your shoulder.

Well, Cindy, our young man's turning into an adult man. Time to get the painting done.
We got to get a painting on ship with a golf club.

Yeah.

So they go through shit and Rod's like, oh my God, I'm the designer and this is basically amazing. Like everything in here is basically wonderful.
I mean, it's just great. It's like, is it?

This is not, this is not great, but whatever. They, they load up on some crap and they're done.

I feel like individual pieces, again, I feel like they're all good antiques and individual pieces are probably great, but I feel like an entire house with that, I just don't feel like matches Shep's aesthetic.

It's just basically his parents. It's his parents' stuff that they just put in the barn, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know.
I guess we'll see. The house is beautiful, though.
Gorgeous. We'll see.
So then we go to Daniel Island where Madison and Brett are driving to their new home on a golf cart.

Let's see how much Brett's going to talk this time. I'm going to say 18 words.
I'm feeling emotional today because I drove through this neighborhood when I first went to Charleston.

I was like, I'm going to marry some old rich man and I'm going to live out here because I was like, the only way I was going to be able to do that was be if I married a rich guy.

But sure enough, I married you. He's like, yeah.
You didn't marry an old rich man. That's right.
I got a hunky man, my own money. I'll finish the joke for you.
That's okay.

Or at least I had my own money before I spent it on this house. And we just sold our starter home on Daniel Island.

And now we're moving into our forever home, which is right around the corner on Daniel Island. They mention Daniel Island a lot.
I feel like they're constantly like, I'm on Daniel Island.

So

they arrive and their realtor is like, welcome in. Congratulations.
I have a little something for you, but you can't drink this right away anyway. It's champagne.

So they say who, motherfucker. Get that thing open.
Unless you got a husk of corn. I don't care what you got.

So they go. It's a nice house, beautiful, beautiful kitchen.
Beautiful kitchen. It's very good.
I mean, congratulations. It's humongous.
Oh, my gosh. How much money is she making?

This is a $3.9 million house. Six bedrooms, seven-bath, another 5,000 square footer.

And she's like, well, it's a high price, but it's just perfect.

I mean, if I got a bill to pay, I'm going to turn that kitchen into a, I'm going to turn it into a kitchen beautician, and I'll make sure it's taken care of because my dreams are coming true.

Look at this.

pregnant wedding ring house check check check makes me a little nervous when people make these proclamations on reality tv that's like you know bravo like bookmarks it and be like okay we're gonna turn this into a black and white flashback in about five years when her life falls apart okay great um yeah you know they always do that But it is actually very exciting.

And now we know why she was so messy with Audrey. She's like, got to make sure this paycheck is coming in.
I've got a house. Yeah.

I love pregnant Madison just coming in and causing mess and then going home to her husband. I know, you know, it's like, wow, isn't it amazing?

I can still make money off of fucking with Austin's life and I don't even have to fuck him.

So they look and they're there's the fucking rooms and she's getting choked up because she's like, I'm going to have babies in here.

They look in the primary bedroom and this room will make all these six other kids. No, I'm kidding.
We'll do it all over the place. Kitchen island, sofa, everywhere around this house, Brett.

He's like, well, I thought we were going to say the sex tapes. This is a sex tape room.
She goes, well, we're going have to leave those to pay for this shit. That's for sure.

So she says, the fact that I'm even approved for something like this after being called white trash for how many years?

And then we go flashback 2018. And Madison's like, shit, fuck him.
He said that I was a white trash hairstylist 2020. Yeah, well, you're a terrible person and you're a trash can.

That was the worst. He was, Craig was so vile that reunion.

But they've always been so mean to Madison. and now look, she's like the star.
The line for Madison's Roboton was huge. Yeah, she did win, she really did.

So they go outside, and she's like, Laugh is so good, it doesn't even feel real. Yeah, this is crazy.
He's like, I can only imagine what your dad would be saying if you walked in.

So she starts to choke up, and she's happy. Another milestone in her life.
Now we go to Doolittle's pet store in case you couldn't figure that one out.

It's also the mantra for all the men on the show. Doolittle.

Welcome to Do the Least Cat Store, where every man trying to get a reputation defending cat in Charleston. Please come visit our sister store we just opened up on Daniel Island called What Job?

Hey, my friend's getting a kitten for the first time. Oh, I think that's him right there.
He's the one spitting all over the window. Crack, crazy you.

yeah well those cats are gonna hate him he's gonna be giving them showers every time he talks to them they need to get him a slobber guard if that's even a thing do they sell slobber guards they should for dogs that slobber just like a little tray a little bit a bit

so

so austin is like rodrigo's cat out of litter and i i don't like coming home to just like an empty house so i really want to have a couple cats excited to see me when i walk in i was like oh

you're being such a fuckboy right now being like oh i'm lonely i'm sad i just want want two little cats. I was like, ugh.
And I hate that I was like, that's so sweet that he wants two cats.

But I'm a pushover when it comes to cats. I can't help it, everyone.
I can't help it.

Well, also, I don't know that he's met cats before because I don't know that cats are the pet you get if you want something to be

able to come home.

Cats are like, you're here. Feed me, you fucking moron.
It's like two cats.

Oh, look, look at his back. Let's see who his back.
He's giving us our food.

Actually, my friend's cat is so cute. And my friend's the cat that I had growing up definitely would get excited when I'd come home.
Like, my cat had dog-like qualities.

And my friend's cat has dog-like qualities, like, always wants to play. Like, there are definitely cats that are super social, but you just never know.
You never know what you're going to get.

And yeah, I think so. I think I've known a lot of cats like that.
But I just mean, like, the basic reputation for a cat isn't like, oh, my God, Mike is happy to see me.

Yeah, the baseline cat is like, oh, well, I guess our solitude is broken up. Someone's stupid's here.
Let's go in the other room. Wow, you just walked in the door.
That means you know how to use it.

You want to try walking out again? Well, I guess I'll go back under the bed where sophisticated people live.

Are you having dinner? Good. Time to make a poop.

Just be right here in my little house that you've inconveniently stored in the kitchen, you moron. Oh.

Well, that's nice that you put a glass on the counter here. Let me just move that for you onto the floor.
Bye.

So he's picked out two names, and they are Piper and Martini, which I think is funny because it's like a Pipe and Martini, really. It's like paraphernalia.
It's like paraphernalia and booze.

Piper and Martini. Like, those do not sound like names that Austin would name a cat.
Piper and Martini. Piper, maybe.
Piper, get over here. But Martini is like,

I don't know. I'm surprised he didn't like name one of them something like Keg.

I don't know, Miller. I guess he can't name it after a competition, but like funnel or

polo doggers, get in here.

Tim Matthews, get in here.

Yeah, so the clerk's like, so you got one cat, you got two cats. He goes, oh, I got two girls.
They're actually the background on my phone. Look.

Wow, that's amazing. Never seen pets as a background on a phone before.
Thanks for sharing that with me. Pop her martini.
Their names. Good, good fucking choice.
Okay. Who let you have cats?

so you know what we need we need one with a bell can we get a bell for the cat put a bell on the cat i'm like oh that the last thing you need is a bell on a cat you know how much cats move you're just gonna be hearing that tinkling non-stop no bells on the cat cats already hate you without you forcing a bell on them right and craig's like well i suggest getting this litter box because the wall it has walls and you know they have privacy

i don't i think anyone with a cat should be suggesting those cat boxes that clean themselves, the self-cleaning cat boxes with crystal, with crystal

glitter. Oh, yes.
I got that from my cousin, and I still feel like a badass because that's a good cat gift. That is a good cat gift right there.
Yeah.

I mean, I think for cats, well, you definitely want to get a scratching post, right?

And then,

you know what they love? You know what a cat loves? A pole with a little feathery thing that dangles off of it. Ugh, that is like,

that's basically like getting a MacBook Pro for a cat.

Like that's, they wait in line for that shit.

Did you hear? Well, I'm making a commitment to get cats. That's very daunting.
Look at me. I'm making a commitment, America.

By the way, there's a coffee shop next door. Why don't we just like close out here and head over there to the coffee shop? Okay.
So they go to the coffee shop.

And I was like, all that shopping for my cat makes me hungry, Craig. It's like, cool.
Cheers. They kiddies.
Thanks, man. Dude, I think they usually come over and see me being a cat dad in actions.

That way America can see that I'm actually like really adorable, right, Craig?

Maybe I'll come over before we go to Wit's birthday party.

What are you going to dress as? It's literary times.

Come on, Craig. You know what that means, right? Books.
It's books, Craig. He's like, well, I haven't thought about it.
So I'm going to ask Chat GBT.

So, ChatGPT, with everything you know about me and our relationship so far, I have to dress like a literary figure. Give me a couple of options, what I should dress as.

Chat GPT's like, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, talk less, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, form tighter sentences.

You can be one of the rocks in Jurassic Park. That was a book.

So, Austin's like, so was Fraggle Rock ever a book? Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.

And of course, they give him, uh, they give Austin Jay Gatsby. And Craig goes, damn, that's a compliment.
I was like, is it? Have you read the book? Do you know that story?

Do you know that, you know, Jay Gatsby is like a faker? You know what happens to him at the end? I mean, spoiler alert, but is that it actually is kind of perfect. That's kind of a perfect Craig

costume.

So then also Dorian Gray. And Craig goes, 50 50 Shades of Gray.
And like, this is sad when Austin, I mean,

I can't, but like, when Austin's like, no, Dorian Gray is the guy who has a portrait and he stays young forever. And people love him because he's not only hot, but he's got cats.
Okay.

And he stays young as long as his portrait remains intact. Okay.

Is that 50 Shades of Gray? I love that. I love the crackling gene.
He's like, well, I'm not really a huge theme pie party guy. Okay.

He's like, oh, you're scarred scarred from having to dress up in the Hamptons. And then we see Summerhouse

where Paige and Craig were wearing their

matching costume for NASCAR.

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Craig saying he's not really

like doesn't really like theme parties when he's been cosplaying as a southerner for literally 10 years on this show is hilarious.

But Craig is like, well, now it's after my breakup and I will say that I tried the lover version of myself and now I'm back to the party version of myself.

Well, single Craig's back. Thank God, single Craig's back.
It was amazing. Yeah, because like whether it's like Sally or Charlie, I'm having fun being able to kiss someone if I want to, guilt-free.

I'm the architect of my own demise. Ha ha.
So Austin's like, yeah, well, who would it have been? Who would you guess, Craig?

Who would you guess?

So he says Charlie he has chemistry with and well, maybe he has chemistry with Sally too.

I mean, geez, like they were hanging out in the hot tub, and Austin's like, I have FOMO because like, God, do I miss being single? Yeah, I mean, okay, yeah, maybe, maybe I do.

And so, Craig's like, oh my God, like, I would do anything not to be single right now. I didn't want to be single, but someone made that decision for me.

But, Austin, God, in this half in, half out is bullshit.

Look. I'm like, I'm having fun being a flirt.
I was really good in a relationship. I loved it.

Everything in in life is is give and take and sacrifices and stuff and when it's the right person and if you're her person then it doesn't matter and it works if you're willing to put the work in it's like it's like in that romantic story the bonfire of the vanities it's about loving someone and then they love you back right no

so now we go to witness

it's really it's i'm still waking up sorry like i don't know bonfire of the vanities was the best i could do this morning

I was actually going back to my, it's a great book, by the way. Did you ever read it? Memory of that.
Did you ever read it? Yes, I did actually. I love that book.
I love that. That book is so big.

That's so, that's such a good thing. I even liked the movie.
Oh, I was even fine with the movie. I like the movie too.

So then we go to Witner's house and Vanita's there because she's the decorator for parties, guys.

And

she helps him set up. They have to steam a table runner thing.
So if we get to watch him do that and uses glass plates.

I mean, this guy is is kind of an adult, but they're not only steaming a table runner and using glass plates. I mean, what the hell?

And they're not only glass plates, they're trauma plates because they come attached with memories. I've an X.

So, um, Wittner, but before that, Wittner says,

Wittner's backstory is: he's like, My mom has always been big on theme parties. Anything from, you know, Cole Porter to the 50s to eras of history.
It makes for some great family photos.

That's so not much. We see pictures of his, yeah, we see pictures of his

extremely cold porter type. Cole Porter theme.
Cole Porter party having,

I mean, this looks like a family. And you know that they have some Santa music parties.
And they wear same pajamas around Christmas. Oh, God, you should have seen our Doris Kearns Goodwin party.

Ugh, that was a great holiday.

And Vanita says she has been friendly with Witt's mother for almost 10 years because she used to work at a store and that was one of the frequent shoppers.

And then she put two and two that they were family because the mom really didn't even speak about her kids at all. So she had no idea about the kids.

Yes.

But then it turns out that who she thought the mom was was someone else entirely because the mom takes off a mask like Mission Possible. Guess what? I was in costume, honey.

Total stranger. She's like, oh my God, it's Cole Porter.

So Winner's like, my mom is very anti-establishment, straight up. I mean, she'd be an anarchist if she could.

And I don't know what that means, but this is a mother we need to meet. You know what I mean?

The mother who doesn't give a shit about her children, makes them dress like Cole Porter for her amusement, and then wants to overthrow the government. I have to tell you, where is she?

I love an anarchist Cole Porter enthusiast.

She's like, fuck rules, fuck everything. Okay, everyone, time for some Cole Porter.

Seriously, where is she?

So, Vinia, so, so, you know, people are going to come over later. So, you know, they get it, they get it set up pretty much.
And then we get Witner's, more of Witner's backstory. He's like, you know,

like, I've only used these plates once and it was an anniversary

a couple years ago. I haven't used them since, but I have licked my wounds so we can use them now.
I was engaged in August 2023, and she walked out two months later.

Yeah, I was with her for three years, and we lived happily for two and a half.

And then I did love her but one day it was just over she just said she needed space and that was it i don't know she just said it was things i did wrong i had no idea what i did yeah no idea no i begged for couples therapy she didn't do it and then finally i came home and she'd moved out

and so we don't know what happened maybe she became a lesbian a lot missing there yeah

no when the guy's like oh what i mean she i mean just suddenly she moved out i mean she said it was things i did but i've got no idea what they they could be. I tried everything.

God, when she was about to leave, I even tried couples therapy after six months of her telling me that she didn't like a lot of the shit that I did. I have no idea.
It's such a shit.

What could it have been? We had just gotten that cat.

So

Benito's like, well, have you tried dating since? He's like, yeah, to varying degrees of not successful, but I was heartbroken and probably still am to some degree. I'm injured.

So the question is, I don't know. For some reason, this feels sincere to me.
It doesn't feel fuckboy, but this is very fuckboy-y to be like, oh, yeah, something happened.

Oh, I'm just innocent in this. And she just, she just walked away.
I mean, like she probably said a million times, I'm leaving you because you don't listen to my needs.

I mean, I don't know what happened. She just never even said.
She just never said what was wrong.

He seems like a really nice guy.

And in the first episode, he was talking about how, yeah, he went to law school with Craig, but they didn't really know each other because he was two years younger than Craig, even though he passed the bar way before Craig, and

that he doesn't really relate to these people because he actually has a job that he has to go to.

So at first I thought, okay, he's being cast as kind of the new Craig, you know, that's like the one who has to work that doesn't really fit in and they're going to make fun of him for having a job and stuff.

But it's hard not to have some cynicism because this is Southern Charm. Yes.
And I know what the men on Southern Charm are like. And so I just don't trust them.

But yeah, he does seem pretty nice so far.

I think also I'm like influenced because someone came on to Crappy Hour was like, my friend is friends with Witner and says that he's actually a really stand-up guy.

So I'm like, guys, well, it's a fact. He's a stand-up guy.
What can I say? What can I say?

But I am being, I think, clouded by that. But he does actually seem like he might be a stand-up guy.

We'll see.

Right now, he's torturing. I don't know.
Right now, it just needs to keep me entertained. Okay.
So we go to the getting ready montage.

Everybody's getting ready. Sally comes to Charlie's to get ready with her.
And then Craig is getting his hair and makeup done. And he's like, yeah, this is like a single boy costume.

Yo, Craig, I'd be a pretty good wingman for you tonight because I don't think I'll be getting the chicks wearing my costume.

He's dressed like one of the Harry Potter kids, right? Does he say which one? It's actually Hermione, I think. I think he's actually in Harry Potter drag.

I think it said Hermione. He's wearing like a little skirt, I believe.
I could be wrong. I mean, again, when I watched this, I was a little drunk.

so I seem to remember that it said I was like, Hermione, but I didn't have the energy or the effort to go back five seconds to read what it said. So I'm sure we will find out soon.

Um, but Craig is like, But when he says, Yeah, I'm probably not getting the chicks wearing this, and Craig's like, The reason you're not getting chicks, Austin, is because you have a girlfriend.

I mean,

Craig's not wrong on that,

you shouldn't be concerned about that.

So, uh, Witner is offering his dog Bacchus some mojito, And the dog's like,

why'd you name me that?

And then

Vanita comes in and she's like, here comes the bride. It's no longer Vanita.
It's Medusa. You know,

I would have liked a better costume from Vanita because she basically was dressed just, she was dressed very prettily,

pretty.

like very nice but she had like kind of like a some sort of accessory that was like a little sort of little snake i'm like if you're gonna do medusa you got to do Medusa. I'm sorry.

Medusa has been done on this channel before.

In fact, I actually don't even think you can touch Medusa after What's Her Face did it. What was her name? Why am I blanking on her? Heidi.
No.

You're done. You're out.
Fallon. Remember when Fallon did Medusa?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Fallon did Medusa with the snakes in her hair on at last.

But didn't Heidi Klume just do that? Yeah, she had like snakes actually moving. I just feel like when people do Medusa, they really commit to the bit.

And I feel like, I feel like Vanita did not commit to the bit. I feel like there could have just been a better literary character for her to do, you know.

So, um, everyone else comes in and, um, you know, drinks and stuff. And Molly comes in dressed as, I think, Gandalf.
And it's funny. She's got like a full beard and everything.
And so she's hot.

And then Shep's like, lonesome dove, Captain Gus McRae. And I was like, of course, dressed as that one.
Of course, he dressed as a sloppy, messy one. I loved it.

I was so happy that he brought a lonesome dove reference because you, you had like that, that like three months of like lonesome dove that you were going through lonesome dove, and it was a lot of pages.

It was just such a hilarious, like random

notepad intended chapter in your life.

Like, you found this book that was so big in the 80s, that was a mini-series, it was like acclaimed, like, every, it was like a whole thing, and it was so random that you sort of like were going through this lonesome dove phase.

And then, the fact that Shep, of all people, is like, I'm referencing Lonesome Dove. I was like, oh,

it's perfect.

I know. I was like, were we reading that at the same time? That's hilarious.

But

now I'm reading great expectations. No.
And

I've just discovered Miss Havisham. She just came into the book yesterday, and I'm dying.
That shit is hilarious. Why didn't anybody tell me? I don't even care about the rest of the book.

I just want it all to be her.

And for those of you who haven't read it, this is her first scene. She's wearing a wedding dress that's all old.
Like Like she's never changed. Something happened on her wedding day.

And so she's really depressed and she's never taken off this wedding dress. Okay.
That's all yellow. It's like Jazzy of Potomac.

This is like years later. And she's

like super sad and like withering away and just like waiting to rot in her house. And so this kid comes in.
She makes this kid come to her house and she goes, Do you see this?

And she puts her hands over his heart or over her heart. And he goes, your your heart she goes broken

that's that's like you should have been miss havisham

mrs avisham

hero my new literary hero that's who i would have dressed as so

what is great expectations go ahead sorry i was gonna say great expectations is a concept that is totally foreign to this tv show so um uh shep is no it's not it's what all the women have when they come on here and they end with Lonesome Dove, the ending.

With Bonfire of the Vanities.

So, no, they end with White Noise by Don DeLillo. So,

Garsh, a postmodern masterpiece.

Oh,

maybe it's Infinite Jests. Oh, oh, Gus McRae.
He's a lazy, loquacious, and charismatic rake with a fondness for alcohol, gambling, and whores. Ah, gosh.

Does sound like you, buddy? So then Sally comes, and this is the best one. She's like, I'm kissing Kate Barlow from Holes.
And Chef goes, from what? Holes. What's that?

You don't know Holes the movie slash the book? It was the book first, so it counts. Holes? Holes.
Holes?

Holes.

I don't want. to make fun of her selection.
I never read Holes. I never saw the movie.
And obviously the name Holes. Coming out, Drew.

she didn't read the book holes kidding she's just reminding the men that she's single it's reminding reminding reminding everyone of options so yeah they're like who are you she's like a hole lots of holes okay pick one molly is like well some girls dress like sally and vanita and some girls are gandalf because you know of course like

sally and vanita are like you know they look they're they're you know showing off they're looking as beautiful and they're like you know their costume is really more like they wedge their costume into like looking hot.

And Sally is like covered in a robe with a fake beard and a hat and a staff. And like her face is unrecognizable.
And she's sweating. And she's like,

she's like melting in the corner.

And Sally's like, oh, wow, Molly didn't really even see you there. She goes, you shall not pass.

You don't get it.

And then Vanita takes her to the side. And Sally's like, yeah, that was really weird.
Vanita's like, yeah, I could feel the tension. Oh, really? You had tension with Gandalf? stop it

well one doesn't just simply walk into this party um

so that was a lord of the rings reference guys molly is like um uh

she's sweating in the corner which is hilarious reminds me this story my friend um from high school she sometimes doesn't like always get things

And she told a story about how she once was invited to like an adult Halloween cost, like adult Halloween party.

Not like sexy times, but you know, like when it's like adult Halloween, people sort of like costumes have a different look, you know, they usually are like sexy this, sexy that, or they're just kind of they have like a certain vibe.

And she went dressed as an MM.

She went to this party, like a fancy Halloween party, dressed as like a kid's costume in an MM. And it's like,

can you imagine?

You're the MM and everyone's wearing kind of like, you know, sexy costumes. And they're like, yeah, they're like wearing a tuxedo and a masquerade.
masquerade.

She's an Eminem.

That's reminds me. That's what this is.
Molly as the, as Gandalf.

Yeah.

So Sally's like, oh my God, I'm so bad with being fake. I just can't.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
I just can't look someone in the face if they've been talking shit about me.

So then Austin does show up as Hermione, which I love that for him. I didn't know that he was Hermione.
She's my favorite. Yeah.
Whereas I used to call her

Hermione. Hermione.
Because before the movies came out, I didn't know how to pronounce the names. Yeah.
I just called her Hermione. I still don't know how to pronounce it, to be honest.

I'm like Hermon. Hermione, I think.
Am I not Hormones? Hormones. Hormones Granger.

Also, Ted Boys for Gryffindor.

So Craig. Craig, meanwhile, he's dressed as

what's his face from Hook.

Rufio. How dare you not know who I am? I'm Rufio.
Oh my God. Okay, so Craig comes dressed as Rufio.
He was wearing his big blow-dried hair, which he wore at the BravoCon.

It's like, where'd he come up with that hair? And I guess it was so successful on Rufio night that he just wore it to BravoCon too.

But he's got all this mascara on his face, all this eyeliner and mascara that's like, looks like it's melting off, you know? And he is so proud of this.

And he's another Sally who's like, it's from Hook. That was a book, you know, like dumbass.

And as he goes to each person and no one knows who he is, you see him just start to crumble. Yeah.
And it just, this is all it takes.

Like every person is like who he's like come on man it's from hook nobody gets it and by the end of this episode he's just furious and i think it's because his costume has been denied yeah i think

well first of all he looks like he's in mad max that's his first problem because when i saw the previews i thought it was a post-apocalyptic party when i saw craig i was like oh they're doing a mad max party but then i saw austin dressed as as Harry Potter.

I was like, oh, maybe they're doing movie party. I was like, I don't know.
I don't get it. I'll see what happens but this was not what i thought also

like a far cry from the jay gatsby and dorian gray suggestions from chat gpt i'd have to say

yeah

so he's like i'm the leader of the lost boys i'm like oh that's nice i'm holes i represent holes

I'm lost and you're a hole. Briefyo looking for holes.
I don't know.

And so they kind of flirt a little bit, but awkwardly. And

she says, Sally's like, oh, Craig asked me if he could play with my gun. He thought I met in a sexual way.

So then Craig's like, mommy, my hair was better before the wind got it.

So people keep mingling.

Rodrigo wears a shirt that says, I'm Don Quixote. And then Madison arrives dressed like a little man.
And no one really understands who she is. She's like, hi, Shep, you know who I am?

He's like, no, tell me about yourself. I'm Shepard Rose.

And she holds up his book. And he's like, oh, my God, you nailed it.
Shorts and a blazer. I might explore that in the near future.

And she looked like the Danish judge from

Great British Bake Off. What was her name again?

Remember the Danish judge that was on that show?

Oh, yeah. I forgot her name.
That's funny. She totally looked like her.

So she's like, I did it better than you, though. Okay, but I did get you a gift, Winner.
And he's like, You did? She goes, Yeah, I got you your arm, your own shark tooth necklace.

Gosh, wow, I mean, you nailed it. I think shorts in the blazer is a thing I might explore in the near future.
That might be a wonderful decision for this lonesome dove.

All the bitches get shark tooth. And then we see a clip of Shep giving Sienna that

and still being embarrassingly hilarious.

So

now they go outside and Craig's like, oh, hey, Austin.

So Chef is like, look, she's dressed as me, everybody. Holding up his book.
And Craig's like, is that the best thing that's ever happened to you? Imagine, you're way too well dressed to be Chef.

And Rodrigo's like, the only thing she's missing is a 21-year-old girl on her arm. But other than that, Chef's kiss.

So then Charlie arrives and she's dressed as Daisy Buchanan. So, oh, she really, she probably asked ChatChPT, what would Craig come dressed as? She's like, okay, I'll be Daisy.

But alas, she's the only one. I know.
I like that ChatGPT even knows that they're going to be together. Chat GPT told them to dress like a couple.

They just didn't listen. They all are like, oh, my God, you look amazing.
Who's Daisy Buchanan again? And Charlie's like, I'm Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby. Where are you?

You ever see Hook?

It was a movie that that was like not well received and i'm a character in it and i think it was based on a book

you know yeah i'm the leader of the lost boys and she's like uh-huh so anyway hi everybody and you just see him crumble inside he's like oh

i could have been the gatsby loser and instead i chose this

well also was hook actually based

Like, was Rufio a character in Peter Pan?

Because if not, then Craig is not following the rules of the party. Was Rufio a a character from Hook? Is Hook not a book? I don't know.
Maybe it was a book.

I'm looking, obviously, I'm on the Wikipedia. I don't think it is a book.
I mean, Peter Pan obviously is a book,

but

I don't think so. I think I don't know, it's Craig.
I mean, guys, this is Craig. It's like very important for me to

find out whether or not Craig violated the rules of this party.

Yeah, I mean, it's a literary party. What do you expect? It's Craig.
So Austin whispers, like, oh my God, he's trying so hard.

And Craig's little, you know, Craig can hear it because he knows Austin's in the room. So he's talking shit about him.
And he's like, Roofy,

you can tell Austin's talking about me. I clock more than he realizes.
I'm not dumb. Was that a reference to the alligator? Or no.

I clocked. Peter Pan jokes.
So Craig is like, Austin, let's do a shot. And so I was like, I can make you one.

Holes. And Craig's like, okay, you want to do one with us?

So they're all getting together to do a shot, you know, which is always like the which means fights about to come So they do the shots and everything Craig by the way, the shot is they go Austin says what is this a shot of and Craig goes this is all we have He just pours whatever's in the shaker into three little glasses I mean he doesn't even make a shot

Yeah

Definitely off the wagon now So Craig is like, you know, a shot is just a mini drink.

I mean, talk about a literary party. I mean, the, the, the word Smith here.
so Austin's like yeah, oh yeah, I've been doing shots the past three years.

I know I know what a shot is Craig is insane right now

and Rodrigue goes um Austin really likes to make little digs at Craig and like it's I think it's because he gets FOMO

So Craig so they do they do this shot. It takes a while for them to do it, but they do the shot and

And so Sally is like that didn't even taste like anything and Craig's like Sally is never happy with her shot. Yeah, because it's always in your hot tub Craig.

Yeah.

Austin is so jealous.

That's insane right now. I'm not jealous at all, Craig.

Yeah, did you hear him? You're so jealous. You're locked up in your house, you and your kittens.

Craig, you've been locked up for five years, and all of a sudden he emerges and he's fucking having fun. Am I right? God.

Yeah, you know what? I don't even know why it bothers you. Just be yourself, man.
Like, why can't you just be yourself? You're so jealous. What? What? I am.
Okay. All right.
Guess what?

I am being myself. I hate.
I'm having late nights at my house, partying with everyone. It's been a blast.
And for you to hate on fun, that's silly. It's insane right now.
Oh, wait a second.

No, that was my line. That's what you should have said.
Because if you had said that. You're supposed to say, you're supposed to say, whoa, Craig is a merge.
You started it.

Craig, I'm not mad, dude. You're insane.

You're the one that's bitter. You don't know yourself.
Oh, yeah. Shall I switch it around on you and pull a Craig Coniver special? Why are you so unhappy?

Oh, he's like, Oh, really? You're the one who's not happy. You're the only person here who's unhappy because you're living a lie.
You're stuck in a relationship and you're not happy.

Okay, Craig, you don't know anything. I got cats now.
Okay.

And everybody's like, oh, what?

And the new girl's like, oh, my God.

So, Craig's like, you told me you were jealous that I was single.

It's like, no, I did not ever say that. I did not ever say that.
You said, no, I would never say that. I'm not jealous of anything you got going on.
I promise you very much.

You said it right after JT said that Patricia was a bitch. I remember it exactly.

I mean, he did kind of say that. And Craig's like, okay, Austin, happy people don't tear people down.
You're not happy.

Craig, you're the one. Craig, the master of tearing down.
Like, Craig tears down too. I was like, and here you are, tearing people down.
I didn't start it. Oh, yeah.
Well, there you go, walking away.

Whatever, my blood.

Is this Austin's new thing? It's to start up by saying, and here you go, walking away. And here you go, tearing people down.
Insane right now.

Wow, Craig really flew off the handle quick there. I think it's the

what happened, Craig?

Sad, sad when a storyteller loses his school.

Yeah,

so they fight. He says Austin says he's a dick and he calls him a fucking loser and it's the end.
Wow, Austin and Craig are going at it for no reason.

I mean, at least they know, though. They're like, it's episode three.
Nothing's happened. Let's fight.
Yeah. Let's just fight about something.
Who cares? I'll criticize you for having cats now. Yeah.

Okay. That's enough for us to go on.
Let's just do that. Yep.
Well, everyone, that was fun. Thanks, everyone, for being here.
Thank you for the birthday love. Thank you, Ronnie.
And we love you.

Happy birthday, buddy. Thank you.
To many more on channel four. That's right.
And then the next birthday present comes later tonight with the return of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

So we'll be back tomorrow with a full recap of that show, which I'm sure will be very exciting. So thanks, everyone, for being here.

Talk to you next time, Barley.

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